Minnesota State Championship Series

Worst.

Race.

Ever.

OK, so maybe that's the Single-Speeder in me talking, the brainiac who thought since a preride a few weeks back for the annual Afton Avalanche went so well that, by gum, I could easily handle four laps at a race pace.

But let's, for a moment, talk about that "by gum."

By gum, I mean, of course, by bubble gum, which is precisely how the majority of Afton Alps' soggy trails felt under most of our wheels Sunday.

By bubble gum, I mean, of course, the ways that our fat tires stuck to the humid soil as if it were Laffy Taffy, throughout the flats and the climbs, only taking a break to leave the rocks and roots as slick and slippery as whale snot -- and me with bruises on my forearms from sliding off camber again and again.

It has taken me three days to get to this point, to put my thoughts into a word:

Ugh.

Worst. Race. Ever.

Well, unless you were Brendan Moore, of course, who took first place in the Experts, along with Jenna Zander for Expert Women. Those two? They were on fire.

As was Mark Lewis of Menomonie, who won the Comp race. And Loren McWethy of Washington D.C., who won Sport Men and Allison Baker who won Sport Women. And Steve Stillwell of Hudson, who won the Citizen race.

OK, so they had good races.

Even Rebecca Sauber, who I watched recover from a full-fledged endo in the deep woods on her final lap, had a good race, placing second in Expert Women -- in spite of her professed fear of needing stitches.

"Dude!" she hollered at me, shortly after her crash.

She held up a bruised and bloodied forearm.

"Is this bad, or do you think I can finish?"

I glanced down at my own bruised arm.

"You can finish," I replied. "If I can, you can."

Of course, I still had a lap to go.

Worst. Race. Ever.

Even the mud-spattered Scott Schultz, who I saw at the end of the Sport competition, had a good race. He took third in the Clydesdale 35+ class.

"It's really slick out there in parts, but you shouldn't have any problems," he said.

Liar.

Apparently more than 300 of you didn't get the memo that Afton is a long, brutal, puts-hair-on-your-chest-and-then-slowly-tortures-you-to-death course.

Because nearly 300 of you showed up and took on Shady Lane, faced "The Manhandler" and careened through the Southern Switchbacks. (Can you believe nearly 150 showed up for the Sport race alone?)

After some blog-surfing, though, I've come to a conclusion that I am not alone in my selective amnesia when it comes to the pain that is Afton.

Because all these clowns keep coming back, too:

Eric Oftedahl: "Sunday was another suffer fest."
http://ericoftedahl.blogspot.com/

Jay Richards: "To me, Afton is probably one of the toughest/hardest races on the circuit with the climbing and distance ..."
http://birdman6blog.blogspot.com/

Brendan Moore: "[It] was a 24 mile bruiser of a course w/ 5000-6000 feet of climbing thrown in, and the median finishing time for the experts was over 2 hours and 40 minutes..."
http://www.brendansbikeblog.blogspot.com/

Paul Hanson: "It was a tough one, more vertical feet of climbing in that race (In “flat-land” MN) than there is at many of the Rocky Mtn nationals!!!"
http://www.bearnakedgranola.com/cannondale/journal/Comments.aspx?id=46

Ben Shockey: "definitely considering puking..."
http://theshockstar.blogspot.com/

Cam Kirkpatrick: "It’s the type of course where you’re either going up or down and the two major climbs are long, steep and worthy of granny gear status."
http://rasmussenbikeshop.blogspot.com/

My personal favorite comment, though, came from Matt Horner, who like me decided to tackle the Afton slopes in the Expert class with a single speed as well:

"DO NOT RIDE THE SINGLE SPEED, especially at AFTON."
http://horner-mtb.blogspot.com/2008/06/live-and-learn.html

I have pledged, effectively every year now, after countless laps in 24-hour races there and countless more from the MNSCS, that I will sit future Afton races out or regret it.

Yet every spring those memories fade and a race there -- "It's just one race!" I say -- sounds palatable again.

Ugh.

I'm trying already to forget.

See you in Duluth.

Troy Melhus is an Expert racer for the Peace Coffee Racing Team. He can be reached at tmelhus@mac.com.